PS, Your Mom Is Hot
by paranoia'SPLASH
Summary: A series of drabbles originally intended for the Twilight Twenty-five, but I forgot to enter and missed it completely. Rating might change.
1. Chapter 1

"I want that!"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

Nessie's eyes fill up with tears. "Why?"

"Because Emmett will do something to it. I just know it."

Nessie looked at Jacob and began to cry.

Jacob looked down at her and groaned.

* * *

"EMMETT DESTROYED MY BEAR!"

Jacob growled at Emmett before slumping in resignation. "What did you do?"

Emmett shrugged.

Nessie held up her bear to Jacob with a watery frown. "Squeeze it."

Jacob squeezed it.

"Renesmee Cullen, pedo-bear approved!"

Jacob turned and began hitting his head against the wall repeatedly as Nessie bawled.

Emmett simply snickered.

What an asshole.

* * *

**A/N: **Props to Brittany (Zombie's Run This Town) for showing me that ridiculous picture after a pedophile comment on Skype and also for giving me the title of the story, to Jenny for telling me 'it's win', and to Zee for...hm. For entertaining my request for a carrot drabble.

This will be updated in random moments. I also realize I'm being total fail in updating, but I SWEAR I'm working on it. And a shoutout to caww: did I mention I love you?


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight or anything associated with it. Plus if I was Stephenie Meyer my name would be Stephanie. You know, the proper way.

**A/N: **I'm procrastinating...again. Damn. Bah. My drabbles are awesome (somewhat) because they're all 100 words exactly.

* * *

He lay on the bed, sighing peacefully. He looked to his side, watching Bella breathe rhythmically. Edward smiled and traced a random pattern down the side of her ribs, chuckling when she squirmed as he hit her ticklish spot. He held his breath in anticipation, but she merely stirred. Edward beamed, adjusting his lanky frame beneath the scratchy covers of Bella's bed.

Edward was happy, alight with a post-coital glow. Bella was asleep, and Emmett wasn't harassing him..yet. All was right with the world.

Then the door banged open, and Charlie Swan burst in, his face purple with rage.

_Shit._


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight. Fortunately.

**A/N: **A little longer this time. I couldn't help it. If you see my Twitter when this is/was published you'll see the exact point where I got all emo and pissed off, hence, this. Also, I'm blaming Chip and Freya for this one, because I can.

* * *

It wasn't like she would never see them again. She would. Of course she would. But still, even as she stared out the window she couldn't help but feel doubt pricking at her. She was probably overreacting, but still. What if something happened to them? What if her baby got lost or sick or infected or injured or homesick? What if they decided they liked Italy so much they wouldn't leave?

Bella squirmed in the cold leather seat uncomfortably, feeling anxiety churn in her stomach. _Maybe she should have followed them...what if they decided not to return?_

_What if?_


	4. Sayonara

Okay, so here's the deal. I could go all emo and shit, or I could be postive about this. I choose to take the latter path, mainly because going emo will result in horrible consequences.

I'm not sure if many of you know, but I am leaving Fanfiction. This is partly due to the fuckery going on-thank the Literate Union for that-and also because I just cannot stand the utter shit FFn is becoming.

Okay. I'm disgusting myself.

I know you probably want an update-hell, you're probably screaming at me for giving up on my stories. I _will _continue these stories. If not tomorrow, next week. If not next week, next month. I'm not going to stop writing, mostly because I'll die if that happened. Meanwhile, I'll still be on fanfiction dot net. I'll be answering to Pms, reviews and whatnot. I just won't be writing, because I don't want the morons that run this site to pull down my stories permanently.

Worst case scenario, I'll be banned. If this happens, I'm going to return with a vengeance and wreck utter havoc on the fandom, simply because I can. Many fantastic stories have been pulled because of the no-smut rule, and honestly, petitioning to the staff of fanfiction dot net isn't going to work. You need to petition to the authors for that.

You can follow me on Twitter if I'm banned, or just watch out on Twilight blogs such as the Midnight Eclipse. If I'm banned, I'll announce my return on these two platforms.

In the meantime, you can check my profile every first of the month. I'll update it regularly on where I'm writing, and you can track my movement through there. Also, do visit my profile and my last contribution to the fandom-The Last Contribution. It might make you want to gouge your eyes out, though, so be prepared.

Here's to a good year ahead.

-Dee


End file.
